Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
