we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
