I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize