sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
They are going to name an STD after you.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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