fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize