they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
