A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
