the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
