I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Come see our sink grown plant.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
