what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
