On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
