last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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