I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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