Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
