You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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