Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize