Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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