i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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