Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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