Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
