If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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