Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
