dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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