I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
