I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
