Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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