Well douche your snatch and let's go!
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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