I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
