I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
My life is pants optional.
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