i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
im six kinds of drunk right now
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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