Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
