You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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