i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
