I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
