Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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