three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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