I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
