i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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