can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
