i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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