I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
