I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You were trust falling into bushes
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
