I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
