The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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