I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
