I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize