At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
