yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
