First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
