I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Congratulations! We have a period
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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