If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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