I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
