I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
