Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
