i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
