in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
