I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
