Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
