my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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